Take Me Away...

i sometimes wonder about my life...how is it that good things rarely happen to me? and if they do, or i'm happy, theres always something to bring me down. i am so tired of being so nice and being such a good person and a good wife and no one appreciates it. i'm tired of feeling like no one cares about me. i try so hard to make everyone else happy, no one ever really stops to ask me if I am happy. my husband is always talking about how much he "loves me" but his friends always seem to be more important to him than me. he was talking about all the things he is going to do with me when he gets money from this real estate deal he is doing with his friend james, and then all of a sudden james is going on a cruise with us. and i was like "wait no i don't want to take a cruise with james. why does he have to come?" and he is telling me its cuz james is the one hooking him up with this deal. and i told him i don't care we had been talking forever about how much we want to take a cruise, and that i am NOT going anywhere with james for more than a day or two, thats out. so he says "fine we will take the cruise without james and me and james will go somewhere else." its like why does he ALWAYS have to do things with james?? i HATE him. i seriously do. i would not care if he got hit by a bus. i would feel for his family losing their son/brother, but thats about it. i cannot stand him. he is an idiot, a loser, he has no goals, and he uses my husband, manipulates him and eric can't even see it. i asked him why he insists on spending SO MUCH time with him. he is married now and an adult and has responsibility. when ppl get older they usually get their own lives and kinda limit the time they spend with their friends, especially when you get married. if he wants to use the excuse that he is still young, then well he shouldn't have asked me when we were so young. his friends are such an important part of his life, i wish the things i wanted and the things i ask of him were as important as the things they want and ask of him. i hate feeling second. and if that wasn't bad enough, now that my parents are getting divorced my "dad" (stepdad really, never knew my real dad) will hardly talk to me. he takes my bro and sis out all the time. takes them to lunch, movies, shopping, whatever. he never asks me if i want to go anywhere with him anymore. he never offers to take me shopping. i'm an adult, yea, but he was always treating me like i was his since i was 3. so why is it different now? now he barely talks to me and when i say hi to him he just kinda looks at me, then says "hi" in this gruff voice like he doesn't really WANT to say it. he never hugs me anymore. he just treats me like crap, yelling and screaming at me like he used to before i moved and i am SO sick of it. why doesn't anyone ever treat me like how i treat them? i dunno i just don't think i wanna try anymore. i think maybe from now on i am just going to live for myself. i'm special. i'm a nice person and all i ever think about is everyone else before myself. i think the only one who really appreciates it is my mother. but thats becuz she is exactly the same way. i don't know what else to do except just think of myself and stop trying to please everyone else becuz no one ever thinks about making me happy, well not really. there are always more important things than asking me about how MY life is or wanting me to be happy.

Hmmm...

today was SO boring. i was supposed to go to the mall with my mom, but i'm kinda glad i didn't cuz i'm broke until Monday and i hate going to the mall with little or no cash! it sucks cuz i always see something i want and i can't get it. so i ended up doing nothing today. eric got off work early and said he was going to James (ugh i hate him) house to watch the dvd's they bought in Long Beach, but i could have sworn that James didn't have a dvd player...but now all of a sudden he tells me that Albert stopped by and GAVE James a dvd player. i was like ok wtf would Albert (their other "friend" who has not spoken to them in months) just go to James house outta the blue and give him a dvd player? he said he didn't know but i was like whatever it sounded like a damn lie to me, and it probably was. they are probably going to someone else's house. eric has a habit of lying when it would be so much easier for him to just tell the truth so now its hard for me to believe the things he says. so who knows where he goes when he doesn't take me along. i can't always sit at home worrying about it, can i? it bugs me, cuz i HATE James and i don't think he is too fond of me either. i'm sure he'd like nothing better than for me and eric to split up, so i don't trust him around eric. but whatever i'm not his mother just his wife and i won't try to tell him who to be friends with. if he likes being friends with weirdos then more power to him. i don't like it but i won't try to run his life. its just always in the back of my mind if he still calls Maritza even though he SAYS he doesn't...i always wonder and wonder if he ever talks to her when he is with his friends since he can't talk to her here...he says he doesn't but like i said he has a habit of lying sometimes. well i dunno i guess i will just have to see what time he gets home to try and determine where exactly he was. i guess i'll write more about my strange paranoia tomorrow.

back

well i'm back from my weekend in Long Beach. James ruined Friday night by taking forever to get here and so we ended up getting to Long Beach late. i was sooo mad. i didn't even get to go to a club at all. which sucked. and Maggie was kinda upset too cuz James was acting like a total jerk and she bought a new outfit and stuff we ended up just going out and getting a couple of drinks cuz it was already too late to get into a club (it was 1 a.m. and clubs close down at 2). but i did get to meet that asian guy from the BEP and he is so cute! he even kissed me on the cheek (TWICE!!) i took a pic with him too. he was really nice, he just went into the breaking event and watched the battles like everyone else, he didn't have tons of bodygaurds around and act all snobby either. he was really cool and nice about autographs and pictures and stuff. not too many ppl went up to him, though. most of the ppl there are into more underground hip hop instead of commercial rappers, but i still think the BEP are cool! well i probably won't be doing much today since eric has to work...maybe i will go to the library and get some books to read. i can't believe school starts in 2 weeks, agh! i'm so excited! oh and for anyone that decides to promote a community in my journal...skip it. i am NOT joining any communities promoted by ppl i don't know. i am sick of joining communities where everyone wants everyone to be like them and ppl just say no to someone becuz they don't like the same things as them...its dumb. if your going to say no, say no for a reason, not just becuz you don't like the things that person likes. so no more of that, don't even waste your time cuz i WON'T JOIN!

tomorrow's the day!

well tomorrow is the day we go to Long Beach for the weekend, whoo hoo! and it turns out i will NOT miss the Black Eyed Peas. eric's friend is gonna drive himself, thank God. i hope i can actually SEE them and i'm not standing somewhere in the back! tomorrow night i guess we are all gonna go out clubbing and get messed up! i want to go to a club in Hollywood but eric's friend james insists that the clubs in Long Beach are happenin'. maggie says that they aren't, and she LIVES in Long Beach so i mean she would know, right? if those clubs are wack and we listen to james im gonna be so pissed cuz we could have saved all that time and just went to Hollywood. i'm gonna try to get a new clubbin' outfit tomorrow night, or i might just finally wear the skirt i got from Hollister, even though its a little short i think in a club it will be ok! i won't be back til Sunday, so i guess i'll write about what the weekend was like when i get back.

Ugh

today sucked! my neck hurts from working out, i dunno why! but its hurting pretty bad (yea, i went to the gym today. i've lost 3 pounds and still feelin' like a hippo!) takes time, i know...the place where i bought my car is totally trying to rip me off. they made me pay an extra $50 something for a "late fee" but my payment is only like 2 days late. they are so anal its getting on my nerves. they know i can't make my payments on saturday if i get PAID saturday, i can't mail it in time! and they refuse to change the days its due...but then get mad when the payment is late! its like HELLO are u retarded? are u get paid to be a moron? i hate these ppl and i can't wait til we finish paying this stupid car. i've been talking to my mom alot lately about my real dad and what he was like...i always wondered what my grandparents were like (they died a while back)and if i looked like either of them. i just want to know more about my background and stuff, cuz right now i don't know much. i am sick of ppl always trying to make me feel bad about being mixed. i can't help it. its how i was born and theres nothing i can do to change it. i don't mind it at all myself. i never wished i was full white or full black, i like being a little of both! its cool to me but i guess to some ppl, they think i need to "choose" what i want to be...well i can't, i am what i am and thats all i can be... all i know is my mom is half white nad half black, and so is my dad...i'd like to know more about him, but i have to find him first! and since my stepdad has been standing in the way of that in the past cuz i was too young to decide, i've decided to try and see him. i haven't seen him in 21 years but...oh well! and i found out today the Black Eyed Peas are definitely playing on Satuday, and since eric insists on driving his lazy ass friend to HIS grandpa's funeral, i'm gonna miss them!! its like why can't he just tell his friend to take his own car?? its like he's afraid to make him mad at him or something. we paid $54 for this event and i don't wanna miss a day of it to drive his friend all around. i mean its his family thing, his grandpa died, why doesn't he go to the funeral and be with his family? no, he'd rather have eric drive him there so he doesn't have to, then drive BACK to long beach and take him BACK home again. and instead of staying with his family he is more worried about being in Long Beach. he has SO much sympathy and compassion, huh? and eric is just falling for his little plan. he doesn't want to do all that driving, so he'll ask eric to do it knowing eric is such a pushover and will do ANYTHING his friends ask! it makes me mad cuz its like what i say about it doesn't even matter cuz his friend really needs him. even though I PAID $54 for those damn even tickets and I am going to miss a day of the event to drive his friend to a funeral. i told him i would rather us wait for his friend in Long Beach, but NOOOO it doesn't matter what i want cuz his best friend James needs him. whatever. i'm so sick of competing with his friends. i wish he would get some balls and JUST SAY NO. ne way i'm getting worked up about it so i'm gonna go now.

Ugh

today sucked! my neck hurts from working out, i dunno why! but its hurting pretty bad (yea, i went to the gym today. i've lost 3 pounds and still feelin' like a hippo!) takes time, i know...the place where i bought my car is totally trying to rip me off. they made me pay an extra $50 something for a "late fee" but my payment is only like 2 days late. they are so anal its getting on my nerves. they know i can't make my payments on saturday if i get PAID saturday, i can't mail it in time! and they refuse to change the days its due...but then get mad when the payment is late! its like HELLO are u retarded? are u get paid to be a moron? i hate these ppl and i can't wait til we finish paying this stupid car. i've been talking to my mom alot lately about my real dad and what he was like...i always wondered what my grandparents were like (they died a while back)and if i looked like either of them. i just want to know more about my background and stuff, cuz right now i don't know much. i am sick of ppl always trying to make me feel bad about being mixed. i can't help it. its how i was born and theres nothing i can do to change it. i don't mind it at all myself. i never wished i was full white or full black, i like being a little of both! its cool to me but i guess to some ppl, they think i need to "choose" what i want to be...well i can't, i am what i am and thats all i can be... all i know is my mom is half white nad half black, and so is my dad...i'd like to know more about him, but i have to find him first! and since my stepdad has been standing in the way of that in the past cuz i was too young to decide, i've decided to try and see him. i haven't seen him in 21 years but...oh well! and i found out today the Black Eyed Peas are definitely playing on Satuday, and since eric insists on driving his lazy ass friend to HIS grandpa's funeral, i'm gonna miss them!! its like why can't he just tell his friend to take his own car?? its like he's afraid to make him mad at him or something. we paid $54 for this event and i don't wanna miss a day of it to drive his friend all around. i mean its his family thing, his grandpa died, why doesn't he go to the funeral and be with his family? no, he'd rather have eric drive him there so he doesn't have to, then drive BACK to long beach and take him BACK home again. and instead of staying with his family he is more worried about being in Long Beach. he has SO much sympathy and compassion, huh? and eric is just falling for his little plan. he doesn't want to do all that driving, so he'll ask eric to do it knowing eric is such a pushover and will do ANYTHING his friends ask! it makes me mad cuz its like what i say about it doesn't even matter cuz his friend really needs him. even though I PAID $54 for those damn even tickets and I am going to miss a day of the event to drive his friend to a funeral. i told him i would rather us wait for his friend in Long Beach, but NOOOO it doesn't matter what i want cuz his best friend James needs him. whatever. i'm so sick of competing with his friends. i wish he would get some balls and JUST SAY NO. ne way i'm getting worked up about it so i'm gonna go now.

So tired..and sick

i am so tired right now. and i really feel kinda sick, but just felt like saying something in my journal. well today is my one year anniversary, whoo hoo! we made it through one whole year of marriage, and it was SO HARD. i hope it gets easier after this! but we didn't do anything becuz eric had to work and work late. so i just went out with Jazmin for a while after the football game was over (i can't believe the Packers lost! that sucks). we went to some place called Aculpulco. they were having happy hour and their drinks were really cheap. i only had a couple of margaritas, though. but they were so good! James called her while we were there, he's such an ass. he always hangs up on her when he finds out she's out somewhere rather than sitting home alone. its like he wants her to do nothing and gets mad when she goes out even though they aren't even together. he is a weirdo and i wouldn't even answer his calls ne more if i was her. he is too much drama. then we just talked and stuff about when we were in high school. then i came home. now here i am...doing nothing and being very sleepy. i worked on my website finally. i hadn't added anything in a while. so that was a good thing. well i guess thats about all i have to talk about for now so i'm gonna go to bed.